Diving into Uncertainty
This past decade has transformed me from the inside out. As my twenty-ninth birthday approaches, I feel grateful that some of the big questions surrounding identity, career, and partnership have begun to come into focus. With each surge of growth, life keeps getting better.
Through it all, though, one question has remained unclear: whether or not to have,        or adopt, children. Usually when people ask if I plan to have kids, I respond with an ambivalent “Jury’s out…” to which they reply, “You have time.” Dan and I opened the discussion of having kids some time ago, and we accept that this is a gray area for us both. But recently I realized that I had not really been engaging the idea. The thought        of such a huge change overwhelmed my circuits. On some level, I had just shut        down.
A friend called this to my attention last year. She recognized that the issue of having kids was one in which I was emotionally stuck, even before I did! One afternoon, curled on opposite ends of the couch with hot tea cupped in our hands, she broached the subject. Sure, you may have time, she pointed out, but how are you using that time? I could either explore the issue, or avoid it. Mostly, I had been avoiding it.
The safety of that conversation was the catalyst I needed to begin uncovering my true feelings about having children. I love kids. No ambivalence there. What I saw was that the responsibility of raising them fills me with profoundly conflicting desires. For example, one part of me forever wants to be a free spirit; one part welcomes the joys and challenges parenthood brings; one part is gravely concerned about our overpopulated planet; and so on.
Through conversation, meditation, and creative writing, I allowed my feelings to breathe. No, Dan and I have not reached a decision. But it’s been such a relief to take the lid off this major life question and see what’s inside.
Uncertainty is a normal part of being human. Each of us faces numerous question marks, some bigger than others. Do any areas of life flood you with ambivalence? Is there a decision you are struggling to make, or a path you are unsure about pursuing? Maybe it’s something related to your health, career, adventures, relationships, or spirituality. One clue is to identify the topics that automatically make you feel uncomfortable, like you want to change the subject. Your body might even twitch involuntarily!
If it feels right, begin peeling back the layers of uncertainty. Instead of turning away, examine the different perspectives swimming within you. One of the best ways I know to do this is to let the different parts of your inner self “speak.” Give them a voice. What does each part of your personality want? What is it trying to create in your life? Is it attempting to protect you in some way? You can do this exploration in many ways such as by talking, reflecting, writing, painting, or moving your body. Just get curious.
As you gather pieces of information, place them in the context of your whole life path so you can take a step back and look at the situation from a broader perspective. This will naturally set in motion decisions that serve the bigger picture of your life.
Like me, you might have the luxury of “time.” But don’t defer the big questions while it passes you by. Go for it; dive into the uncertainty. Who knows what you’ll discover?
I hear you on this issue. Although I have made the decision to ultimately have children one day my "Responsible Voice" and "I-Need-Time-to-Play Voice" are much more powerful and dominant than my "Maternal Voice" right now. Perhaps different voices are more influential than others depending on where in your life you are finding yourself?
That’s a great point Migs. I think it’s true that different “voices” are more influential depending on our life stage. In other cases, I’ve found that certain parts of ourselves developed early in life, in response to our environment. These parts tend to stay pretty consistent over time, until we learn to shift our experience as needed. Perhaps a topic for another blog. Thanks for your thoughtful comment and for sharing a few of your own voices!
–Ann
What great insights! Sometimes it is so hard to open that Pandora's box. I agree that sometimes it's the things that we want to avoid that actually need more of our gentle, grace-filled attention. Thanks for sharing!
Uncertainty also allows space for the Universe to show us how it wants us to contribute to the big picture. It isn't so much what you choose rather the process of growth and unwinding that you have to go through in order to make a choice and see that through into action. This is how we come to know ourselves and the efficacy of our creativity.
I understand your feelings on the matters of kids, family and all that goes with it. I will admit that probably my biggest regret is to never have had kids. I am at an age where most of my friends are starting to become grandparents. Just one more experience that I won't have.
I can say one thing with certainty – you are never ready for the life changing aspects of life. Don't ponder it too long like we do when thinking about buying a new car, computer or TV. Don't let that part of your life pass you by.
I found myself a little too late to have children and I will probably always regret that. But by the same token, I wouldn't trade some of the experiences that I had along the way.